fivestarvintage

i'm becoming pretentious about psychology and determining things about people. its good therapy for my lack of filter when i talk. it doesn't look good to tell people that they are displacing their feelings about one thing, by doing another.... especially when talking to me is the 'another' in that equation.

i don't invest in others. my life is separated into two categories: that which i share with everyone, and that which i share with no one. i have never been the secretive type. maybe thats why people come to me for advice, because they know i don't filter my opinion. but at the same time, i've felt guilty lately when people who are generally of a closed nature confide in me. we'll share our personal struggles and past experiences, and they feel that we have bonded. i feel like its an average conversation.
lindsey durrenberger is the only person to ever call me out on this. i remember, because she told me that it was my fault people didn't hold me accountable: i don't let them. i think i like to fly under the radar for life, while ironically wanting to be seen as a unique individual. there are things that i like to keep to myself. the rest is fair game for anyone who wants to hear about it.
i apologize if i'm guilty of this action with you at some point in time. i truly value what people tell me, and i love giving advice about it. i guess i just don't like people knowing that much about me; because i share with anyone who wants to hear, it often devalues conversation i care about.

"mom, let it be known that winslow is the only animal i've ever allowed to lick my face and lips"
"chelsea, he's licked mine too"
"you shut your mouth"
"literally. you really do need a boyfriend don't you honey?"

this is how i know my family is wonderful

"marry someone you can talk to all night long without getting sexually involved. because if you're married for 50 years, you're going to be talking a lot more than you're going to be having sex. its not even close to a 50/50 exchange. we mistake sex for intimacy, when its not. intimacy requires talking. talking requires thinking. and thats when guys get off balance since it also requires listening. intimacy requires transparency, and authenticity, and risk. its what we long for most and fear the most. ask why you're so bored with each other, that have you not learned how to love. are you circumventing the process of intimacy, because you're afraid of intimacy?

you're not in a healthy place if your identity is built around who you're having sex with. aren't we more than our sexual orientation and sexual fixations? being human is more profound than that. we often say: how can we go against homosexuality, let alone our sexuality, when it is in our nature? but do we really want nature as our standard for what it is to be human? how barbaric we will become, it will bring us to extinction. do we really want to embrace that? regardless of orientation, we're of infinite value to God, and we all have so much to contribute. the highest value we can have is how we care and relate to others."

i look at all of my friends who are dating, engaged, married, and think: why is this not me? but then i look at the guys they are usually with, and i'm suddenly really content with my life at present.

"chelsea, i just wanted to let you know that i applaud your decision to stay pure until marriage. i often tell my wife that i wish i had met her when i was 18... but then she would have been 10, so i see how it could have been awkward."

i know that i get stressed easily, and life is sometime harder than i would like it to be, but then i hear music and things get better. these lyrics hit me today:

in a world of suffering, why should i be so blessed?

I don't think Eleanor Roosevelt knew what she was talking about when she said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," because believe you me, I don't particularly enjoy feeling this way.

you are mine
and if i'm by your side
i will comfort you
heal the wounds they left behind

a heart of stone
to a heart of flesh
and have your worth restored
beating in your chest.

We must continually keep our soul open to the fact of God’s creative purpose, and never confuse or cloud it with our own intentions. If we do, God will have to force our intentions aside no matter how much it may hurt. A missionary is created for the purpose of being God’s servant, one in whom God is glorified. Once we realize that it is through the salvation of Jesus Christ that we are made perfectly fit for the purpose of God, we will understand why Jesus Christ is so strict and relentless in His demands. He demands absolute righteousness from His servants, because He has put into them the very nature of God.

Beware lest you forget God’s purpose for your life

Isaiah 49

searching for god knows what:

the god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the west must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like a very good god to me. this god falls apart as soon as you touch him, as soon as you start asking very basic questions about the sanctity of all human life, the failure of combat mentality, and the lustful love of power.

beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground

so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law

beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me

beloved these are perilous days
when your culture is so set in it’s ways
that you will listen to salesmen and thieves
preaching other than the truth you’ve received

because they are telling lies
for they cannot circumcise your hearts

beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons

My mind set towards the military has completely changed over the course of the summer. Spending time on army posts with their brats reminded me that the stories we hear on the news are more than statistics. They are people with families, histories, and lives outside of their service to our country. As much as I've never liked living in the U.S., I have to admit that our country truly is great. Not through its government or leaders, but because of the people who live here. And these people are the same ones who have been stationed, or even deployed, over seas. PCSing has a huge impact on their children, who are in turn the future of our nation. I want to be able to reach these children and change their lives for the better.

Now when I read the newspaper and hear stories about soldiers dying in the middle east, I wonder if it is someone I know, and how their families are doing, and if there is anything I can do. I cry when I see a headline talk about an explosion that has injured people because I know that they were hurt defending me. How can I not be grateful.


Not related to the U.S. military BUT: what I wouldn't give to be there right now. My heart is with these people, all people. It's is going to be so hard to sit here for the next two years in school.

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia-pacific/2009/07/20097165415127287.html

i leave before i'm left. always.

i'm starting to have germany withdrawals. this depression has taken longer to hit than it did with guatemala. i guess it's because this year i was at least expecting it. unfortunately, it doesn't make it any easier.

it may also be because i've been so busy trying to catch up with everyone and learn everything i've missed, that i haven't really taken the time to digest the past month and a half. i'm on the verge of tears.

i leave italy in one day
i leave germany in six days
my birthday is in seven days
chris' birthday is in nine days
wedding fun for everyone in twenty nine days.

where has all time disappeared to?

I have decided-- I'll stay in school for the next two years at SPC. Next summer, I'll do a summer internship with a base. I don't know which base yet but that will be the easiest way for me to stay in school and do full time ministry. THEN, in two years time, after I've graduated, I'll sign on to do a year long internship.

Love the idea? Me too, I'm at peace about it.

While working our camp store at the beach yesterday the couple who runs Lakenheath (I have no idea if I am spelling that correctly... and its an army post in England; in case you didn't know) came up to me and asked me to become an intern for this coming school year. This would mean moving to England as soon as August and not coming back until next July. I called my parents to ask them their thoughts on the situation and was pleasantly surprised by my mother's response; she was far more open to it than I expected her to be.

I know that years from now the decision I have to make is going to seem minute and insignificant but for right now, this could seriously alter my short/long term plans for the future. Please pray for me that I'll be able to hear what God wants me to do, above others' opinions. Also, any opinions you may have on the situation are more than welcome.

not having facebook and communication with people is driving me up a wall, but because there is nothing i can do about it until july 6th when i'm back in germany.... i digress.

never have i been more exhausted and sore than i am now. i've also never been as rejoiceful. the spirit of these campers is enthralling to watch. two nights ago there was a huge thunderstorm and all of our students had to be evacuated to the gym and could only bring their sleeping bags. four hours later at breakfast they were gracious, polite, and even amusing to talk to. i can't wait for these kids to find Jesus in all of this.

our work staff is going through the book The Prodigal God by Tim Keller together. if you haven't heard of it, you should go get it now. it disects the famous parable and looks at not only the prodigal son, but also the obedient son who remained faithful to his family the whole time. i never really took the time to look at him before but i've gotten so much out of the book so far and we are only two chapters in.

keep praying for me. seriously, i need it.

Pray for my time here. Please. There are so many ups and downs and I can't keep track of anything. Satan is wonderful at making me apathetic and I don't want to be; I keep comparing myself to people here and forget that I am one of God's creations all my own. Not having as much communication with home as I'd like is starting to get to me. I crave familiarity in a country where I am surrounded with no one I've known longer than six days.

Remember to breathe. Remember to pray.

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me."

Psalm 138:8

I can't believe I have been in Italy almost a whole week already. I don't think I've felt this tired or this fulfilled in a long time. It's an awesome feeling to know that I am where God wants me and that I'm in the midst of something far greater than myself.

The rest of work staff gets here today, and the few of us who have been here have been having a good laugh at being on the work staff's work staff and making sure everything is set up for them.

Friday, we washed 50 sleeping bags, I got hit on by one of the DOD teachers on post (his name is JB, I'm still thinking about giving him a call... except not really at all), and we unloaded 200 boxes of Capri Sun into the kitchen.

Saturday, we started to set up 505, which is the abandon building our sleeping cots are in. That place can be summarized in three words: sketchy as hell.

Sunday, we had a free day and went to the beach. Even on the American beach where we were there was an inordinate amount of speedos. I love it. I guess last year at camp they offered free gelato to the first group of students who could manage to take a picture with a person in a speedo without disturbing them. A group of middle school girls found a guy who had fallen asleep and had the picture before most people had even unloaded their towels and sunscreen.

Everything has seriously gone by in such a blur. It took a lot of concentration to think each day through.

Campers get here Saturday and I am ultra excited for the fun to being.

Pray that we can get our ovens/stoves/anything like that to work. It's going to be hard to make hot meals for 350 people if we don't have anything to heat them in.

I'll post lots of pictures when I get home. Unfortunately, we all have to wait to see them until then. I love that I forgot my camera cord at home.